Losing my religion

I have had to accept the fact that the initial fervour and enthusiasm for my Christian faith, to which I “converted” in 2005, has all but gone and this raises some very serious questions regarding my status and security as a child of God, particularly because scripture depicts such people as having “shallow roots” and that, although they “accepted the good news with joy”, have fallen away (when they faced persecution) because they have “no roots”.

That’s all well and good, except that I didn’t really accept the news with anything even resembling joy. Prophetically I predicted the following trauma-filled decades with an unnerving insight and accuracy and sure enough, I have spent the time following my declaration of faith in Jesus doing whatever I can do in order to survive a barrage of hostile, loveless, persecution, most of which (although not all) has come from people who used to claim to be my friends.

You might say that I deserved the treatment I got. If you knew me between 1995 and 2005, you would almost certainly have come away from our meeting with some sort of complaint. I did try to apologise to the people I hurt most but I feel it was probably too little, too late. Indeed I didn’t accept the good news with any level of joy, just a prescient foreboding that the good news would probably turn out not to be good news for me at all. Good news is for people who deserve good news; people who haven’t pissed anyone off, fallen out with anyone important, or snogged their best friend’s girlfriend.

Or is it? Lots of people snogged my girlfriend and if they ever turned and asked for forgiveness (which of course they won’t), I’d be expected to forgive straight away; anything else would be “hypocrisy”. I suspect that the main part of the problem, in regards to my faith, is not that I don’t believe, or that my roots weren’t deep enough; if anything, it would be because the ground that the roots attempted to secure themselves in were not in any way conducive to growth.

There are many reasons for this. One must surely be the state of my heart when I was “saved” from my sin. I had many problems and had developed many bad habits and practises. My peers have noticed these behaviours and traits and made the most out of them. But perhaps the most pertinent reason why the “ground” that the sower sowed his seed into was not suitable for growth is because, in light of my mistakes, most have not even considered that I have any strengths. It would seem that these people have decided that there is nothing of my life worth saving, regardless of what God says about me or about repentance in general.

Here we hit a point in the argument where I could turn this around, which I am wont to do. This strategy is commonly called “contradiction” and was in fact what Jesus himself suffered during his ministry on earth: “This child is destined to cause many in Israel to fall, and many others to rise. He has been sent as a sign from God, but many will oppose him. As a result, the deepest thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your very soul.” Please don’t misunderstand me (as you are wont to do). I’m not claiming to be God – I am merely trying to prove, or otherwise, if there is any truth in the fact that I am a child of God. At the start of this essay I was almost resigned to the fact that you are right and I am wrong but now I’m not so sure.

Let’s get to the point. I’m sure you can’t stand yourself for having read this far in the first place. The last thing you need is a protracted argument. The message of the cross isn’t of the popular opinion in this case. This is the case of a person who does not deserve mercy but because of the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross you are required, even expected, to show mercy rather than take the revenge that you agree I deserve. Also and since you have taken the revenge that you agree I deserve, which I’m sure you’re not finished doing yet, you have nailed your colours to the mast. Anything less than my condemnation now would not suit your design at all.

But let me assure you that you don’t know the full story here and if you’re a Christian of even lowly rank you’re expected to know the scriptures that you shouldn’t judge, specifically because it’s not your place to judge, and also because if you do get it wrong it could be extremely embarrassing for you personally if you have sat it judgement over a person who God is insistent will be forgiven their sins.

I see your point. You think that right is right and wrong is wrong and you can justify that thesis scripturally because the bible says things like: “If you’re not altogether for me, you are against me” and suchlike. But it is the message of the cross that is at stake here. The detail of the given law brings death (which I’m sure you didn’t know?): if you cannot accept it there is bound to be conflict not least because your heart, which you claim is so clean and ready soil for sowing, has not understood that you do not understand enough even to withhold judgement whilst God repairs the life of someone who he died to redeem.

If you add to that the fact that the details of my confessed sin, when they get back to me through the natural grapevine among my peers, bears absolutely no resemblance to the sins I confessed, you’ve got a situation where it might not even be my heart that’s at fault here. The problem might be you.

We’re all responsible for what we do with the word that is delivered to us, whether that is receiving the word by the grace of God, knowing that in another situation or in another way it might be you implicated or caught in the sin, and therefore showing mercy by deference of your fully accepted ignorance in the light of Christ’s light. Or it might be incumbent of you to check the scriptural truth in the word you’re given so that people are not led astray or deceived from the simple precepts of God’s word. Either way, it’s up to you what you do with the word.

So I think, all things considered, the main point to make clear at this juncture is that it’s not up to you whether I’m God’s child or not. It’s up to me. God decides who his children are by virtue of what they do with the truth that is revealed to them; the truth, incidentally, that is given in the written word of God, not in the opinions and often devious machinations of the masses in the earth! Yes I made mistakes but contrary to popular opinion not only have I repented of those mistakes, and therefore become eligible for both forgiveness and inclusion in the family of God, I have also not committed the same crimes that I am, unnaturally, accused of amongst my peers.

When you add to this that the word of God states that as well as “carrying our own cross”, the next verse instructs us to “carry each other’s burdens” (not make them worse!); and we are also told to “beware of destroying each other”; how many reading this can honestly say that their behaviour has not been deliberately designed to provoke an angry reaction which they might condemn? Or that their behaviour might bring about an internecine skirmish where I would be implicated and condemned as the perpetrator of all the nasty things that are happening in the local community regarding my existence (if I haven’t been already?)

I’m not expecting you to read this. Most people make their judgement about me by the strength of the evidence presented to them by those who hate me most, and therefore most people don’t give me the time of day. But more than likely, if you’re guilty of causing these problems for me you’ll eventually read this yourself. And to you I would say – check the scriptural truth. It all points to a startling revelation in the end, I’m sure you’ll agree (if you ever get to the end of the book) and it’s not clear who’s side you’re on. As Jesus said – “Why worry about the speak in your friend’s eye, when you have a log in your own..”

“You hypocrite.”